Without a plan…
25 was always that year for me, that year that brought so much anxiety because of all the what if’s.
I remember this day like it was yesterday: I was 18 in a car hanging out with my friends and I told them that if I’m still not married at 25, oh boy they better be there to hold my hand because I would be an emotional mess.
One of my friends sarcastically commented… “uh oh I wouldn’t say that if I were you, just watch, now Bekah is going to be the last one married.”
Suddenly fear gripped my heart…
What if? What if I don’t have everything I dreamt up for my life, all I’ve longed for by 25? The three things I used to think I needed to be complete: a husband, children, a family ?
Each year as I got closer to this age, the more anxious I became because I realized I don’t have time to make this all happen.
I didn’t have control.
I couldn’t bear even imagining it. The thoughts haunted me.
But guess what? I’m there today, exactly where I was very afraid to be.
Guess what else? Because of Christ, I can confidently say today that I am whole.
He has a greater plan and He always had a plan.
He knew I’d get here. He knew I’d go through loss. He knew the emotions I would experience. And He also knew that He’d get me to a place where I am okay…
He got me there! Right in time!
Yes I still feel…
I still long…
Yes I hurt…
I still doubt…
And yes I do still desire.
He knew this would be hard and His careful care has been my comfort and peace when literally no one else understood. (Every single time someone said to me, “oh but you’re young.”) I knew that even though this is the best for me. This is what the Lord had in store. He still has deep compassion for me because as much as we know it is best for me, He knows it’s hard. He has held me in His embrace as I have wept over this loss.
(Renewing my mind, redefining my life, letting go of that which I wished to have by now, and giving myself over to His perfect will. Surrender.)
I’m certain He’s got me! He reminds me of that on the daily. I’m exactly where He planned for me to be… single, and not yet a mother… Yet standing complete at the age of 25… because He loves me!
He’s made me ready.
The things of this world: Marked with brokenness
Myself + the things of this world (even good desires)= Incomplete/wanting
I have sought Him and found Him!
“The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing.”
Psalms 34:10 NKJV
“O God, it’s not the way I had things planned. But then, what of real lasting value ever is?”
Francine Rivers (Redeeming Love)
What a relief!
I’m actually in the best place, without a plan. I am held by my Heavenly Father who has a plan and has always had a plan. He is in the midst of working it out in my life right now! I know my future is going to be bright because I belong to Christ!
He now holds the reigns again! I have no plan… Wow do I ever feel soothed with hope!
25 things I’m thankful for:
1) My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
3) In Christ
4) The Lords plan prevails (His sovereignty)
5) Gods word never fails (it’s where I am always free to come and not only eat, but feast)
6) My Fathers delight (beloved)
7) Nothing has changed, yet everything is changed (I’ve got you) (He speaks)
8) The Lord has done more in my life than I could ever have fathomed at 25 (His Faithfulness, Provider!)
10) Hope (Life abundant and free!)
11) Peace that surpasses all understanding
12) The armor of God
13) I will never be separated from the Fathers love
14) Whole– I lack nothing (because of Him)
15) Faith, encouragement, prayer
16) The relationship I have with my Savior (this beautiful exchange, getting to know Him and also be known)
17) The Lords compassion/deep care
18) My job/patients/coworkers
19) My incredible brothers and sisters in Christ (my best friends!)
21) Joy (found in Christ)
22) My amazing parents and there big hearts
23) My family, including inlaws, love them all!
24) Phone/Skype dates with those I miss dearly
25) My nephews and niece. They are so loved!
*I am thankful for the fact that there is so much more (health, a home, a bed, transportation, healthcare, sunrises and sunsets, new mercies everyday, finances, music, worship nights, fellowship, depth, red lipstick, nights to just chill, bubble baths, a good book, an ability to write, a roommate, coffee shops, I can walk, I can run, I can skip, hop, dance, life is full of blessings, Gods beautiful creation, sweat pants, everything created so vast, loved, a voice to speak and converse, seeing someone you really had missed, water, new things, sisters, changing seasons, traveling, anticipation, others, people who clearly love Jesus, elderly people, babies, kiddos, it’s not about me, texts, His glory revealed, a smile, laughter, a toilet, the list could go on and on!