… But I liked the feeling of my clothes being baggy. I liked looking at the number on the scale every single day and watching it plummet down. I liked seeing bones when I looked in the mirror. It gave me a sense of success. A sense of accomplishment. A sense of worth.

All because of my distorted mind…

My body may appear healthy, but my mind is no where near there.

I’m really not the biggest fan of where I’m at right now. My clothes are tight. I’m unaware of what the number on the scale says because I am too afraid to even step on it… And of the tears that will flow when I do see that number one day. I feel shame. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have no worth.

So I stare shame in the face… I turn to Him, and He shows me the way.

I thank You for being my Father. My good, good Father. Abba, Father I cry to You. I need You more than ever right now.

My Father is constant. He never changes. My Father is for me. He’s not against me. My Father delights in me, whether I am 500 pounds or 90. He adores me and you. My Father calls me worthy. My Father fights for me, and gives me the strength to FIGHT. My Father writes my days. My Father has compassion on me. My Father gets me. He is the potter, I am the clay. My Father loves me with an unconditional love, one in which I will never fully grasp. My Father knows me by name. He calls me His daughter. My Father is the healer of my heart. My Father is sovereign over all.
That’s my King!

I realize feelings are not the truth. I need to go straight to the Father if I want the truth.

To the One who brought us out of the miry clay. To the One who has overcome. To the One who has set us FREE. We are no longer held captive! He has brought us out of bondage.

“But now after you have known God, or rather are known by God, how is it that you turn again to the weak and beggarly elements, to which you desire again to be in bondage?”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭4:9‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I never wanted to be here again… I was never going to let myself get to this place. I don’t know how I let it happen. But I’m here, and that’s the reality. I am at the weight I never wanted to be.

Here is my encouragement. I may be back to the weight that I was never going to let myself get to, and it may be a really challenging place for me to be right now. But that weight no longer has to have the power over me that it once did. Do you know why?

Because I claim the truth over my life that CHRIST has overcome! I stand on that promise! The battle is His and He has won!

I find my identity in Christ alone, and He never changes. 

And I believe the serpents hissing lie… God isn’t good.
It’s the cornerstone of his movement. That God withholds good from His children, that God does not genuinely, fully love us.
Doubting Gods goodness, distrusting His intent, discontented with what He’s given we desire… I have desired… More. The fullest life.

The REST of the garden simply isn’t enough! It will never be enough. God said humanity was not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. And I moan that God has ripped away what I wanted. No, what I needed. I live as though He stole what I consider rightly mine.
I look in the mirror, and if I’m fearlessly blunt– what I have, who I am, where I am, how I am, what I’ve got– this simply isn’t enough… … Satan, he wanted MORE. More power, more glory. Satan’s sin became the first sin of ALL humanity: the sin of ingratitude.

Isn’t that the catalyst of all my sins? Our fall was, has always been and always will be, that we aren’t satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other.

Ann Voskamp– One Thousand Gifts (A Dare to LIVE FULLY RIGHT Where You ARE)

The enemy wants us to get all bogged down, confused, and distracted with our focus on the problem, rather than on our sovereign Lord. We are fed with lies about our Father and we begin to believe those lies. We believe yes maybe He has the best for some people, but definitely not me, or not from what I see. We feel defeated. We can’t live victorious lives.

But then… We choose to not fix our eyes on the problem. We choose to stop trying to rely on our own strength. We rely on our good Father, who is steadfast in His character. Who is faithful. Who is all knowing. Who has only the very best for His children. Who promises to give us the desires of our heart as we cry out to Him. We begin to hope again. We realize we have been fed lies. We get up and we claim the victory that we have in Christ again! We feel a deep sense of peace that our life is in our sovereign Father’s hands.

Moments like these bring me straight to my knees. It’s the only thing I can think to do. And it’s the best place for me to be.

A place of surrender.

Though these are extremely difficult times, I am thankful for them because they cause me to FIX my eyes on my good, good Father. I can’t sleep for a second.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6-7‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

With thanksgiving is just as much a command as be anxious for nothing is.

There is something about thankfulness… It brought me out of the pit once, and I am confident it will again.

When we are thankful for just way God made us. Our perspective changes. We no longer see our body in the same way as we once did. We see that our God created us just the way we are, for His glory.
We see its real purpose.

Our purpose is not in gratifying the flesh, and it’s desires. It simply is in living our life pleasing to Him. Our good, good Father.

The enemies lies and deceptions do not have quite the same control over our minds when we are choosing to respond with a grateful heart, rather than a bitter one. When we are thankful, it drives our focus to our Father. We recognize that everything we have is from Him. Really in reality we don’t possess a thing. It’s all on loan from God, even our bodies.

And he said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.
‭‭Job‬ ‭1:21‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I choose to be thankful for rolls, because for me that means I’m alive.

There is no deprivation here. I lack nothing.

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing.
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:8-10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

So in this moment. With every bit of strength I have left. I fall on my knees and I cry out Abba, Father, and I thank Him for my body, in all its forms.

Lord, I need You (Matt Maher)

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You’re my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
‭‭Luke‬ ‭12:6-7‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Published by: Rebekah Clearwater

In a world of noise, writing is the catalyst that drives my focus back to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and reminds me of the hope I have in Him— nothing has changed, yet everything has changed.

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