MY STORY

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Click the link below to listen to my story:

It all started when I was young… I had a belly. Didn’t we all? But the problem in my case was I hit puberty late, and so that cute little belly that every baby has… I had until I finally hit my growth spurt in grade 10. Right as all my friends were starting to notice their bodies. I began to notice mine. And I was not a fan. I had a belly.

Isn’t it so cool that we can actually renew our minds? (Romans 12:1-2) 

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, pleasing and acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

No where in scripture does it give us a command to be thin, but for me that was definitely something I did everything to attain. I strived and strived to have from the worlds view “the perfect body.”

I thought it led to satisfaction… Little did I know it would just keep me wanting more and more. I’d never be content unless I found that only in Christ. 

After all He is the One we all long for. 

I remember one day… You know those days when you just set your mind to something and there is no stopping you. Well that’s what I did. I said no matter what I am going to lose this extra 10 pounds I put on after high school. I hate it. It’s disgusting and doesn’t need to haunt me anymore.

And yup I definitely lost that 10 pounds, but that just wasn’t enough. Little did I know not even 42 pounds would be enough… 

I’d still have the body, I always hated. 

The body whose hips were too in the wrong place, that didn’t have the hour glass shape that it wanted, and never had abs like her sister, whose torso was too short. The body that had a belly that just liked to stick out. And legs that didn’t have a wide enough thigh gap. The face that was afraid to smile in many pictures cause it feared giving the illusion of a double chin. The arms that were just too wide, too big in comparison to the other girls. The body that hid behind other bodies, for fear that it may appear bigger than the others in the camera. The shoulders that were too broad and the torso that never had piercing collar bones like most skinny girls…

What I have learnt is that I needed to ask God to bring me to peace with the way He made me. And that no matter how much weight I lose or gain it will never bring me any kind of satisfaction. I need to constantly be filled up in God. 

My friend said this to me not too long ago and I really liked it so I’m going to share. 

I was on this dangerous determined road of wanting my body to look a certain way again. I was determined to have abs. And I mean I’ve always had abs, but I wanted six pack abs like some woman have that everyone just looks at and strives for. 

Once again… I was striving… Oh wow many times I have been striving. 

Anyways she said to me this and I’ll never forget it. 

The answer is not to lose it… The answer is to get victory over it. (Changing the mind, the thinking the thoughts) 

Rather than hiding it… The answer is to come to peace with the way God made you to be. To embrace you, because you only get you.

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.

Dr. Seuss

Because He made you that way for His glory. Believe it or not He is glorified in your body. 

Your body is actually a temple. It’s His dwelling place. 

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

“Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.”

Claim it, it’s a gift, thank God for it, love it! 

If you think of your body in the way of I WANT… What you have will constantly never be enough no matter how rock hard your abs get… 

That’s the kind of thinking I was beginning to develop. A possessive I just want abs kind of thinking. 

Wanting to be skinny, a restricted diet, a restricted life…. Death

Wanting to be content in my body, joyfully serving the Lord… LIFE

This world tells us if we remain thin, actually you know what, not even thin. The skinniest of skinny. The kind of skinny that unless you have an eating disorder you can’t have– that’s success. 

I became the girl who wouldn’t eat anything for fear of what it might do to her body… Might I add, her temporal body, that wasn’t actually hers after all, it was God’s!

Believe me… I remember finally looking in the mirror and seeing both clavicles, seeing the outlining of my hips, seeing the landmarks of my scapula. The depressions in the face from where weight was meant to be. And because I was so immersed in the worlds thinking– I immediately thought SUCCESS. This girl is making it! It gave me a very slight glimpse of contentment, but always returned to me void, empty, leaving me wanting more. 

Well folks the world is absolutely wrong. We need to start looking to Christ to be the example and measure ourself according to His standards, not the worlds. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

I’ve been learning to see myself the way Christ sees and though I may not always see a beautiful girl when I look in the mirror. He does! 

He gave us a body to use for His glory. To hug people with, to embrace, to exercise, to feed, to enjoy. To bring beauty. To take care of.

Instead the world is trying to turn all woman into little boys. Think about it? That’s the body that is what ‘every woman wants’

They did a study of what size woman would want to be in the States if they could choose and the average size was a size 2. Can you believe it?? It used to be a size 6. 

I can only be filled up in Him. 

As soon as I look other places my life goes to ruins. 

This girl was unhappy. She was dead inside. She literally felt like walking, breathing, bones. She had no life, no joy. No thankfulness. 

This is a story of how God took a girl with no hope and gave her abundant hope! 

How he used this idol, this thing that absolutely controlled every bit of her.. For His glory. And on the journey has taught me what it means to glorify Him, through eating, drinking and through my body. 

He gave life back to me and I am so extremely grateful for that! 

The restoration He can do in an individual is unbelievable. 

If only we’d say God we can’t, we want to, but we know we can’t, and we choose to rest in the fact that only You can. 

We depend on You! 

I was so not worthy, but because Christ lives in me. I now am worthy!

God can take a life, jumble it up and absolutely give it a fresh new start. And actually make it so much more beautiful in the end result.

That’s what He’s doing in us. He’s the potter we are the clay. He is molding us and transforming us into who we originally were to be… Before sin, before the fall. Before we fell short of the glory of God. He’s bringing sanctification and He promises to not stop that work until He returns and we are complete. (Philippians 1:6) 

And that’s what He did for me. 

It was a process though. These things take time. And He’s still working on me! 

I’m so glad for the time it took because I can now give absolute credit to God for all He’s done, taught, sealed and completed in me in this time. 

So back to my story. So I was a girl in a body that I absolutely loathed. And I thought I could change that. If only I exercised a ton. Lost every unwanted pound, and had self control to the point of restricting myself from everything. And becoming obsessive over food. 

I even got to a point of not going out with friends because hanging out with friends meant being around food. And I stayed away from anything that could tempt me to eat. 

I was so lonely. But God in His mercy. He met me in the loneliness. He became my everything. All I’ve ever wanted. All I’ve ever needed. We’ve been on a healing journey since the start. And as He promised He has never left me nor forsaken me. (Deuteronomy 31:6) 

He’s the very best friend. He’s stayed right by my side. Even when I wasn’t obedient, even when I gave Him none of my time. Even when I wanted nothing to do with Him.

Yet He still delighted in me. He was well pleased in His daughter. 

He kept on loving me. 

He kept on pursuing me.

And I promise you that His love for me is the only reason that I am where I am today.

So I restricted, I cut myself off from fun, and I strived to be something that God never intended me to be, but in His grace allowed me to be and I now am a stronger, much more thankful, joyful, and bold child of God because of it. 

He is FAITHFUL friends! 

So that summer I decided to take control. I was going to do everything in my power to control my body, and alter it in any way I could. 

I thought I could finally make myself happy in my own skin. 

I remember stepping on the scale. My goal: 130… It’s what I was in high school and it’s what I remembered liking my body to be. But in reality no matter what weight, I wasn’t happy. So anyways I remember getting to 130 and realizing oh well this is easy. I’m just gonna keep losing weight.  

You see for me, it was all about what people had to say, it was about their affirmations. I just wanted people to notice that I was skinny again. 

I stepped on that scale every day. Every day I just kept going down the spiral. I got to 115– I remember thinking wow I don’t even remember the last time I was 115… Probably grade 7? I couldn’t believe it was possible at 21, but still wasn’t ready to admit I had a problem. 

Until the day I hit 98 pounds and my life came crashing down.  

I had no energy. I remember trying to run one day and it literally felt like I was running against a brick wall. 

People were commenting on my body, finally. But it literally felt like I got punched in the face cause I knew the guilt of what I’d done. I had starved myself to get there. 

My hair was falling out. 

I had no warmth. Because of the complete lack of fat on my body, I was constantly freezing. I had to have steaming hot baths just to warm myself up every night so I could sleep 

I couldn’t even think straight. I work in a hospital and I remember working with a patient and literally didn’t have the brain power to answer his questions. Or even form thoughts 

My eyes no longer lit up, they no longer danced

Food had no taste. Literally when you see food as against you for so long. All you see is the numbers and I lost my ability to taste. 

No longer did I enjoy food. It was evil and until I put a new lens on my glasses, that’s the way I saw food. Just numbers that if I ate would get fat and if I didn’t eat would make me thin. The thin I always wanted.

I could no longer exercise or do any kind of physical activities 

Can anyone relate? I’m sure you can. 

Eating disorders are so common and they are honestly one of the most evil disorder that a person can have. 

You can’t escape food, nor can you escape society’s warped view on the body and what it should look like.

What is pretty? What defines thin? What is strong? What is success?

I hadn’t renewed my mind. I hadn’t yet give God the control to teach me to pursue godly goals, and not earthly ones. 

He has, and is continuing to teach me about pursuing that which is eternal. That which increases His Kingdom, and that which will come with me when I leave this temporary home. 

Our bodies, I’m sorry folks but our bodies just won’t matter at all when we die. It’s just a shell.

God looks at the heart.

But they do have an impact on you. From your appearance people can make first impressions about you, they can feel accepted or rejected. They can feel drawn in or closed out. 

Here’s a quote from one of my favorite books: 

“Beauty is the most essential, yet the most misunderstood of all feminine qualities.
At rest… Not striving, beauty flows from her heart. Usually it comes when she doesn’t know it, when she isn’t trying to make it come.
A woman in her glory, a woman of true beauty is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy enough. She knows in her quiet center, where God dwells, that He finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in Him, she is more than enough!
A woman of true beauty is a woman who in the depths of her soul is at rest, trusting God because she has come to know Him to be worthy of her trust. She exudes a sense of rest, a sense of calm, and invites those around her to rest as well. 
A woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become.”
(Captivating– John & Stasi Eldredge)

I was sick of making people strive for something that I knew was the least from life giving. 

Lots of people asked me about how I can have so much self control and lose all that weight in just 3 months… how they should eat etc. I remember thinking girl if you only knew the half of it you wouldn’t want this at all. 

I was miserable and people were looking to me to be the role model. The one who taught them about health. The girl literally starving herself… Really?? 

I knew nothing about health. I was eating pretty much half of the calories that my body actually needed to live off of and I was literally dead inside. 

I had no life to give. I had nothing to give … until Christ gave me life.

So this is my story. I’m still on a journey. I probably will be until I die. But I am here to testify that CHRIST GAVE ME LIFE– and its LIFE ABUNDANT. 

He’s the creator of my body. He is bringing me to a life of peace, contentment and thankfulness for just the way He’s made me. No longer comparing myself with everyone and measuring my worth based on the scale. But measuring my worth based on who I am in Christ. 

My friends Christ lives in us! Do you believe it?? 

Galatians 2:20

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”

No longer does God look down and see the sinner and all the sin. But our Father in heaven. 

He sees Christ living in us. Christ reigning in us. Christ shining through us! 

Isn’t that amazing! 

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore if anyone is in Christ. He is a new creation, behold old things have passed away and all things have become new. 

We are clothed in Christ’s righteousness. We are worthy, we are accepted, adored, loved, embraced, absolutely delighted in and FREE! 

We are His beloved, dearly loved! 

Let’s live as new creations today! Amen? 

John Lucas- Quilts, Coats, and Colors

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qH76W-e8doI

Published by: Rebekah Clearwater

In a world of noise, writing is the catalyst that drives my focus back to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and reminds me of the hope I have in Him— nothing has changed, yet everything has changed.

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